As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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