Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
