First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
