the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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