I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
