How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just want nice things and good sex
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
