haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
