Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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