Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
