Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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