Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
