I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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