Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
