dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize