How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize