U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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