You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
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I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
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You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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