College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
