The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
