So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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