In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The air taste purple.
Randomize
