She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
