she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
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