STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
