Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
