how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
