lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
