Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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