My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
