So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
