There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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