Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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