also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
