i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
