Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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