he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
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Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
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Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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