Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
accomplished twins. life is a go
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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