Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
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We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
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This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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