He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
