I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
