he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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