oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
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that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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