I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
