I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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