Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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