Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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