Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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