I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
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As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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