oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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