I'm lost and stupid without you.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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