my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
