It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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