I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You're like the curious george of whores
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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