i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
