I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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