i don't like sucking hair
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
God, I missed his penis.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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